Sunday, July 23, 2006

Lost: One woman's patience.

Another weekend gone...along with most of my patience. I would like to think that I am a very accepting and patient young woman. Over the last few weeks I have been losing it slowly. Like the little drip on a facuet and finally the sink over flows...

Wow, did I overflow...everything seems to be "tap-dancing on my last nerve". Between work, home improvements that are needed, JC, and hopes that seem will never come true, It can be said that I'm on a emotional overflow this week.

I love my child dearly with all my heart but as my "paid-friend" therapist puts it, "the stress of raising a difficult child is overwhelming". It is, without going into details, exhausting to keep everyone's needs in check in my household. JC requires a large amount of direction, guidance and up until this week, I felt that I had a strong grasp on everything.

Honestly, on Thursday I told my "paid-friend" what I had hoped for for the last several years and how I desire it so much more recently in the past 6 months or so and I was mostly shot down and questioned on why I would want such a thing if I already have it "difficult". I completly lost it...gone...goodbye...adios. The one thing that I truely have been waiting for in my life, I was having to defend. Having to defend myself is not something that come easily for me. Normally, I would walk away with my head down, never really fight for what I wanted, or believed in. It made me feel insecure, like a failure and that I don't deserve the things I want. Questions like "have you thought about what changes that would bring?" or " Have you thought about this, and that?" Once again in my life as an adult, I felt like I was beign treated as a child or teenager. I was crushed...still am...

But...somegood things happened this weekend too. There were dinner outings,video rentals, bike riding (JC) and visits at the park. Oh and naps...naps are goooodddddd...

Maybe I'll find my patience under my pillow tonight. One could hope. It's going to be a long week.

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