Tuesday, August 15, 2006

To quote the Dixie Chicks...

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I have sung this so many times and every time I can apply a few life experiences. Unfortunately, some are never forgivable and never will be.

How much hurt can a person take over the years?
When is enough...Just enough?
Where should a person draw their boundary line so they protect themselves from more pain?
Why is it okay to forgive someone who has hurt you so many times in the past?

The question that rolls in my head everyday...
Are you ever going to forgive your father and make amends?

I am the typical 20 something young woman who came from divorced parents of the 80's. Raised by a single mom who I had to watch struggle do everything. While the baroholic father slept with most of the town, never paid child support and showed up when he felt like it.

Imagine being 5 years old waiting at the door, excited to see your father, hands sweating, heart beating with excitement, butterflies in your belly. Waiting for the man, dad, who made you feel special and important if he managed to stay awake long enough. Standing at the door watching every truck go by. Tired little legs causing you to have to sit, only to have your mother tell you "daddy is going to be another hour late". After several hours, nothing stopped the tears and soon it was bedtime. As you grow older you start to expect being put off from him. By the age of 11, you know the routine and no longer wait at the door.

Not to mention, that he got remarried and let his "new"family treat you like dirt. Some times you where even picked up to stay the night, but would wake up and fake being sick just to get away from being ignored. Calling your mom at midnight to come rescue you.

Dad is a manipulator, a sweet talker, a man that can make you feel good. He knew he could walk on you, use you, put you off. Why? Because he knew how to. He knew how to reel you back in and that it would work. At one time he was known around town and well liked. Mention his name still, they know who he is..just not as well liked any longer. He burned his bridges long time ago, with a lot of people.

After I got married, my father changed more. When impending death was looming in our family. I saw evil, greed and hate in his eyes. The words he spoke to me and lies he told, were not words a father ever says to his daughter. I realize that he expected me to forgive and forget once again. Walking all over and stepping past my boundaries as a person and as a daughter. Now that I have my own family, I'm not quite sure I ever want to give him that chance to hurt me or my son.

Do wrong by me...So many times, but never my son.

So as of now, three years later, I think of it every day. Should I forgive? Why should I? What did I do wrong as a daughter? Painfully wondering what I'm missing, by not having a father.

So...On with the Dixie Chicks....

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, my dear sister...how much we are alike scares me to no end. Of course, this song makes me think of the very same thing. I know it hurts honey and I struggle with it too. I ask God if I'm supposed to forgive a man that I hate and that has hurt me and family just because it is the right thing to do. On the other hand, I pray every night that he is plagued with his actions to where he cannot sleep without feeling ashamed of himself. I think we know the answer to our own question...we're not ready to make nice. At least not quite yet. In time, maybe, but that it our decision and no one elses. I always think of the little saying that was on Grammy's fridge and what we put on her funeral program...on that it says to forgive and I read it everyday on my own fridge and it makes it a little easier for me to maybe throw around the idea of granting him my forgiveness. As of now, he doesn't deserve to be forgiven nor does he deserve our love. That's the lesson I'm trying to teach at least. If you abandon your family, I will abandon you also in your time of "need". His love was not unconditional so either is mine. And we prayed we wouldn't turn out to be bitter women! We may be bitter, but damn we're beautiful!
I love you.