Thursday, August 03, 2006

Wrecked Train of Thoughts....Choo Choo...

"Gotta have bad days to appreciate the good days..."

Umm, yeah, that's what I try and tell myself most of the time. It's been a long week, I would have rather had bags of stones banging me upside the head instead. Talk about a headache. Mean, hurtful, but some truthful words have been exchanged in the last few days. Light bulbs flickering in the thick skull o'mine...

Life experiences shape who you are. The last few years have turned me into a crabby, moody, insecure, doubtful, sarcastic young woman. I hate it, someone else is living my life, because that is not who *I* am. *I* would be happy and find beauty in everything I see. The glass would always be half full, my touches would bring gold, and I'm being sarcastic again..damn... Imagine there was a door to "me". After wrestling through all the locks that I have put up over the years, there would stand a smiling young girl, full of life, energy and love. Surrounded by rainbows, kittens, balloons and brown paper bags tied up with strings... Cuz these are a few of my favorite things. (I can't help but be sarcastic anymore....)

Anyways, I have always shut people out and never really discussed my feelings or thoughts. Each time I had something I *should* have shared, I would put up another lock of my door. Keeping people from knowing, judging and being afraid that they might not like *me* and leave. Why? I only wish I knew. I'm sure therapists would blame the divorce of my parents, having a single mom and a unreliable alcoholic/baroholic father. Most of my life I have done and said what I thought other people would want me to say or do. Hence, I have locked me away, so far away it's scary.

Wow, that's sounds depressing... I'm not trying to be. In fact, I'm tired of "faking" life. It has only made me miserable and driving me to be so uncomfortable in my skin. Time has started to mold me into a bitter, pestimistic old hag. People used to think I was sweet,loving and god knows what they think now.

So, bottom line, there is trouble comunicating my own feelings, I would much rather listen and give imput as needed. Always have, hopefully I always won't. WOW, did I underestimate the importance of sharing thoughts, feelings and how it effects others around you. Not sure if I didn't understand , but I always thought I would be judged for thinking differently or for not thinking enough. What's sad is I have tons of things flowing through my head all day long, but up until recently I have only felt that I had my toddler to talk to. That doesn't work... Now that I do have someone to talk to and listen... My locks seem stuck on my door and I can't find the keys or some WD-40.

Where I was going with this wrecked train of thought...a few "bad" days and I am really missing the "good" days.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

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donut said...

hee hee hee

Once a fat girl...always a fat girl.

Cousin Amber said...

Who is saying hurtful things to you?!?!? I will fly up there and get all kinds of teacher on thier ass(es)!!!

donut said...

I dished some out too...
Don't worry chicky. No need to get out your ruler.

You're just dying to get back in "teacher mode" huh?

Love ya!