Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Bad day and learning to cope.

Pretty much everyone in my household has had a horrible day today. Myself, I woke up, hoping it would be a good day. Alas, waking up with the pre-menstrual aching, throbbing, swollen boobs only meant one thing, it was going to be an emotional day. (Oh, and my bra would much better)

First off, after speaking to JC's counselor/therapist on Saturday, and after having several more behavioral issues at school, it was decided to "try" JC back on medication. I'm not completely happy about it, but getting a note home describing some heart wrenching things about your child's social acceptance and behaviors, will change a part of your mind. Thus leading JC back on an emotional roller coaster from the medications. Screaming, crying, hurt, frustration in a six year old is so hard.

Then, my job. NO satisfaction recently. I try so hard to find projects to do, to make more self more useful, to use my brain. Nope, it's looked down upon most of the time. I so desperately want to believe that I'm making a difference, and feel like I actually do something that requires thought and knowledge. But, when it boils down to it, I don't. When attempts are made at work, when you go over and beyond your call of duties, which I try very hard to do, it's looked down upon at work. I honestly think it's because the managers don't want certain people making others look bad, so they in turn won't have to deal with others. Pretty much, don't rock the federal boat that you work in.

Like I say, I'm a professional vital taker and a machine does it for me. I screen and assess patients, but only with approved pre-written templates in our computer system. I am a podiatry nurse with a quick learned interest, put I hold a vacuum to catch nail dust from the grinder. Not to mention not supplied with the appropriate mask and will most likely die of lung cancer. Boo-ya! Love the system... I am only a LPN, but I know I have the knowledge of an RN, and still, not even considered a nurse by my nurse manager. It's sad, but like my co-workers say, "I'm a gov't whore, I do it for the money and security."

What blew my top today? I have started many things at work. I created them, I give input, I give ideas, I work my ass off and it was noted by other co-workers. These co-workers wanted to nominate me for 3 different awards from our employer. These same awards that we are emailed about frequently and encouraged to nominate others. I was nominated, but refused. OUCH. Not sure what I did to piss my manager off, but I'm guessing it was when I had to call off with the FLU. Those things are never forgotten, but hard work and dedications are quickly tossed aside.

Yeah, did I say I was emotional?

Anyways, point being, I have no way to cope with anything anymore. I used to clean until I felt better. My house resembles a tornado disaster and it only makes me feel worse right now. I used to cry for hours to let it out, but I can't even cry. Smoke? I'm dying to go outside right now. Fighting the urge. Drink, that's a self-medicated way I never want to take. Exercise? used to love it. I hurt so bad from getting fat that I'm too sore to. How did I get fat? By being stressed, bored, emotional. And there is nothing else left to eat right now.

How do people cope anymore? Really. I'm not joking. Nothing is working for me. Maybe in about 2 weeks when my hormones decide to play nice. Until then, I gotz nuttin'.

1 comment:

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

PMSing does make everything worse! Sounds like you could use a girls knight out!