Sunday, July 22, 2007

Irony: Anger...

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with tent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” ~Buddha quotes~



I had this HUGE post about anger, how i repress it, how it damages my life and the entire thing poof! gone as I went to publish it. Wow, holy cow, talk about getting so pissed I wanted to cry, scream and shout! Irony, talk about irony,me getting pissed, furious after I wrote about wanting to change...

So yeah, on with the modified story, I was told I was an angry person again,which shouldn't be shocking news but it is, even though I have heard this many times this year alone...

Hi! My name is donut and I have constantly repressed my anger for as long as I can recall. Most likely I am still pissed that my mom took my pacifier away when I was one or for the years I had to share a bedroom, never knowing my own personal space. Who knows? I do have some kind of pent up anger with most people in my life and I would never tell them for fear of hurting their feelings, even though they have hurt mine. I am tired of being an emotional doormat and I would like to wipe my mat clean so to speak. It makes me sick with insomnia, headaches, anxiety, panic attacks, physical body pain and depression. The uneasy feelings of anger come, I try and cover them up, and they leave for awhile. They were pointed back out to me today. I never see it...

I don't think I portray or present myself as an angry woman.But I have short fuse, it gets shorter each year....I swear, I am a nice person!

I was out shopping for new scrubs since my ass is huge now, yes dear I lied, I didn't need new scrubs because of stains. I'm fat, not messy. Since I was going to the mall alone, without family, I was given instructions to "relax at borders and get a coffee", I listened and went on my merry way to find books to read...wow, I don't like to read, what should I look for? anger books...yeah...that sounds good...

There's a sight! An angry fat ass girl with a caramel latte in one hand, diet pills in one bag and new chubby pants in another bag, with a tilted head trying to read all the titles of anger in the self- help section... that just screams come talk to me I need a friend!

Reading each of the titles, I was feeling pretty darn silly: anger 101 for dummies, you are great, buy my $20 book sucka, Soup for this, soup for that, drink more soup for a better soul. Frankly, I didn't feel like Chicken soup today, then I come across the book that fits me. Pissed Off..on women and anger. The book cover says it all for me!
Then I see the Anger Diet...30 days to stress free living. I figured it was worth a try as well...I bought them both, we'll see what it gets me...

Wow, please excuse the off day, the mental shutdown. This weekend I not only decided that I'm way to unhealthy, fat, out of shape but I decided to quit smoking. A habit I picked back up about 3 years ago after a very hard time in my life. I have used it as a crutch, a stress reliever or a sad excuse of a "release" of something. Now I'm trying to do both. Release my pent up anger issues and sad excuses I give myself not to quit smoking. Yesterday as I went to go outside to do my dirty business or smoke, I saw the look of disappointment on my husband's face. Afterwards I took a shower and went into my shower thinking mode as I often do. Well, after I dried off, I broke my brand new pack all up into the garbage and decided that I need to change my unhealthy habits, starting with smoking...

Here goes nothing... a repressed angry, chubby girl decides to quit smoking and curb her eating habits all at the same time. Which in turn will only make her cuss like a drunken sailor even more and flip off every person who looks at her funny. Wow am I going to be fun...I freaking want DQ already....

4 comments:

Ann(ie) said...

OH God. Can you at least have Martini's during this tumultuous time????

milk&honey said...

You probably don't want to hear this right now, but you're going to be so glad you quit. And it's a great time to do it, and you're doing it the right way... you can focus your attention (and nerves) in a new direction and run the anxiety out.

Every time you want to smoke, just go for a walk or jog around the block. You'll feel so much better. Call me and I'll go with you. (It's ok, I cuss like a drunken sailor anyway)

And martinis. Lots of martinis. (I quit smoking a couple years ago after finding some lumps in my breast- swearing and martinis really do help)

(This pep talk has been brought to you be the letter M) (And P. For parentheses)

Crooked Eyebrow said...

thank you...it was hard not to go and buy more and i'm not even a "heavy" smoker either, 4- a day kept the nerves at bay!


Martinis and margaritas!

More Than A Single Mom said...

Seriously if you can do this, you MAY just be my new idol. Smoking, weight gain, those are all my newest reasons to hate myself. Think we could be sisters seperated at birth? hahaha