Friday, July 11, 2008

Dreaded questions can only make me stronger, right?

Just like any other day at work, patients ask me questions about my life. Its conversation, I realize its normal communication but the majority of their questions are upsetting to me. These simple inquires shouldn’t be so bothersome but they are and I find myself quite often trying to just be nice, civil and politically correct. Emotionless one might say. For someone who wears their emotions of their sleeve, it’s a struggle to do just that.

During my separation a few years back being asked if I was married by strangers (patients) was like an emotional firecracker being dropped in my lap. Being in the hot seat, dreading every question to be answered had become a challenge and it was so very hard not to break down in tears each time. Even worse was when I wasn’t wearing my wedding rings and they knew I was married. The jokes, the ridicule and the assumptions of my character forced me to wear my rings again, before I was ready. I wore them all in efforts to dodge reality and annoying questions from (realistically) unimportant people in my life. Luckily, I look down at my rings these days and I’m proud to wear them. It’s like a hard earned medal in survival of the courageous battle of marriage, life and separation. Looking back, these jutted intrusions in my life have made me stronger. I’m proud of my marriage.

These days I’m hypersensitive about an entirely different set of questions and topics. The “when are you having more children” or “Why only one child?” quizzes from people hurt. They hurt so bad I just want to scream. I hate being this way, over sensitive. Double edged sword is when people ask me if I’m “with child” having gained so much weight.

So generally I laugh it off with a smile, a fake chuckle and give them a story, a line of complete and udder bull shit and move on with my day. When actually I want to sit and tell them how much I want more children in my life. How that if I had it I would treasure every back ache, every foot in my rib and how I looked forward to dirty diapers, late nights and terrible two’s all over again. But that would be rude I know, so I sit and stew and imagine myself telling people. Anyone who would listen, I’d tell…

Then it pains me to hear people complain about being pregnant. I have (had) a close friend who with each of her two last pregnancies hated it, thought of abortion and called them mistakes. It angered me. It made me want to grab her by the ear, lead her down to a fertility clinic and watch the pain on other women’s faces who wanted so desperately to have a child. She took it for granted, her fertility ease. I haven’t been able to be a good friend since. It’s one thing to complain about swollen ankles, its one thing to complain about being tired, but hearing people complain about conceiving a child makes me ill. It’s a miracle. Cherish it, I would…

Earlier today I had another patient ask me my dreaded question, “Only one?” “Why? Does mothering not suite you?” Folks, ladies and gents, it took all the strength I had in my big ass not to cry, scream, curse and explain to him why he was such incredible asshole. My heart started to pound, my face felt cold and my hands were trembling. So, for the first time I explained. I explained that I wanted nothing more than to have more babies but at this point it was out of my hands (It felt great to say it out loud finally). Then he asked if I believe in miracles. Quickly answering while angry and feisty I said “NO”. He was shocked and appalled at my answer. Now as I sit here, mad at my quick to answer negativity. I do believe. I have one miracle already, my JC.

I’ll have to take this day as a lesson. Except what I have and what I have been given. I understand it, but I’ll have to let my emotional side catch up to the logical side before I can move on. Hopefully, these painful questions I get now will make me stronger as the ones I’ve answered in my past have done already.

14 comments:

my wonderful men... said...

I know what you mean or feel when it comes to the baby questions. People I know just have no clue but still it hurts and you just want to scream in there face.

About two weeks ago someone said to me when I was talking about our newest dog said - "Wow Amy you really need another baby" Duh, like I don't know that myself jackass! Thanks for making my day!

Mimi's Toes said...

I don't understand why some people are so bold to ask such questions. Yes, you do have a miracle with JC... Thanks for sharing this with us.

Stacie said...

I think your response is great...as you said, it is out of your hands! HUGS and I hope the miracle happens for you again.

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

I don't think there's anything wrong with telling people the truth about your situation or how you feel.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh that is so hard. I wonder if you can feel good about it next time and answer as you'd like, honestly, if maybe it would "wake" more people up to think before they ask such things.

Steph

Donita said...

Delurking here to hopefully give a blog-hug. I understand the questions, but from a different perspective. I have one child, she is 3 yrs old, the light of our lives, and she is autistic. The chances of us having another autistic child is 1 in 20! I've always been happy w/ one child and in light of this ratio, I am definitely happy. I get the questions about another child - "isn't it about time?" People assume, get nosey and some are inconsiderate. Some aren't and are genuinely interested. But for me, it's so hard to explain the why's, so I just say "maybe someday" - with a slight smile and look in my eyes that means "I REALLY don't want to talk about it, thank you". Of course, my good friends all know how I really feel. It gets stick when the people that don't have any vested interest in me ask the questions. But I realize that I don't have to give them any piece of me. I hope this wasn't too negative...just my two cents and a ((big hug))

iheartchocolate said...

Makes me mad that people are so nosey to ya.

I am glad you shared with him the truth and I hope he felt like a butt head.

Frances said...

You should just tell people the truth. I hate that my hubby and I cannot have babies...and it hurts when people inquire about why we are adopting. It bugs me when they say "You just need to relax!" or some other stupid comment. The only thing I can do is respond with honesty about why we are doing what we are doing. Most folks just drop it or apologize immediately. I am sorry you had to put up with it today.

Simplymoi said...

also de-lurking for a moment to say bravo. I am also over sensitive (mainly about other things), but somewhat understand. People should (but don't) realize how thoughtless their questions really are. I mean, even if you didn't want to have another baby, what business is it of theirs to make judgments about the whys and whynots? I like your honesty answer, short and to the point, and I believe in miracles too.

Ryley said...

I'm totally with you on the complaining thing. I have always hated when women complain about being pregnant. I alway told myself I would never do that and that I would always cherish every moment. For the most part.. I have. I am currently 17 weeks pregnant and I think about every little ache or pain or weirdness..and how much i love it!!! I will never have this same exact situation again.. and this time is for me and my baby.. i will never feel these exact things again! i love them!!! Sure.. ask me how i feel at about 38 weeks.. but i hope i can say great!

I want to love every minute of it.. every swollen ankle..every back ache.. every foot in my ribs.. i cant wait!! :)

Thank you for sharing this story with us.. it really helps to get it our sometimes.. doesnt it? And it also helps us remember not to assume things.. and realize our questions (no matter how innocent they may seem) can be very complicated and intrusive..

And dont forget to always believe in miracles!!!

Erin said...

I am continually amazed at the lack of tact some people have. 8th graders ask completely obnoxious questions like that, but I tend to excuse them for being 8th graders. But to ask questions like that, as an adult? Absolutely no excuse, and I think you have every right to answer honestly, and not worry about smiling or laughing it off.

stick shaker said...

no offense to these people, but wtf? those kinds of questions are rude and all too personal....i admire you for being able to take it....it sounds like (and i know i am not there to here) that people try to push what they think is the right thing with these questions, people have no idea what others situations are...ug....

Ann(ie) said...

ug. People say the most annoying things. I get that, too and while I'm blessed with one I'd love more. Hang in there, love.

Tiffany said...

A little story.. me and two of my sister in laws were pregnant at the same time, I miscarried (I had two healthy girls already) their pregnancies were healthy.. The whole family was in Florida vacationing - they moaned and groaned about it being hot and being pregnant and they wallowed in how miserable they were with a miracle in them.. until I snapped. Reminding them that we had lost our baby 4 weeks before that trip and that I would give anything to still have the miracle inside of me and for them to "not bitch until they have had to scoop their fetus out of a toilet" (those were my exact words!) The insensitiveness was just a shot in my heart. They didn't know how we struggled every month to see those lines on that test strip. 7 years and three miscarriages later we were successful again. But I vividly remember what they said and how it stung..
Nobody can understand the pain of it until they have stood in your shoes i've realized. People will continue on with the stupid comments, but it does make us that have experienced so much more supportive of each other... sorry for the book - big cyber hugs to you!!