Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Uneasy

This week has been full of uneasy vibes, feelings, emotions and I'd like to get off the roller coaster now. Please. (Please keep all hands and feet inside your emotional hell -a -coaster, thank you) Realistically, things aren’t that bad, I’m just overwhelmed I suppose. Overwhelmed about nothing, a blog about nothing …and the world of Crooked Eyebrow turns yet again.

A lot of my time and struggling efforts are wasted trying to make my true feelings unknown and unseen to the people around me. I'm just trying to play it cool while keeping the emotions in check but quite honestly; it's a bit frustrating, faking my way through life. One would say it’s a coping mechanism I picked up a few years ago. Ok, like 20 years, I just can’t seem to shake it.

It's not depression exactly, just a whole lot of worries and not knowing where I would land if I took a leap of faith so to speak. I worry about everything and everybody. (You wanna know the odd part? I don’t want anyone to worry about me. It upsets me to think anyone would worry about me.) Today alone I have worried about how truly unhappy I am with my job satisfaction, all the home improvements that need to be done, my ever-growing thighs, my health, my bank account, my bills. I know it’s the same for everyone and I should just be lucky that I have a job, home and a loving family. (Blah blah blah…Right now I feel that I have just offended someone who has far worse problems that I do)

Needless to say, there are no relaxing moments up in this heavy, big head of mine. The gears are constantly spinning and pushing out disturbing amounts of ulcer inducing thoughts. Even when I try to relax, I find myself thinking "I should be doing this or that" or “if I do this…it wouldn’t work for this…” The only thing that is relaxing anymore is sitting behind my laptop or taking photos. Life can’t be spent behind the camera or laptop…

This, my worrying, my insecurities are holding me back in life. My “what ifs”and worries prevent me from ever getting to my goals. One day, I plan of being free of all the uncertainty. (I just don’t have a date) I’ll worry about that later…but for now, just admitting it, feels good.

10 comments:

Peanut Butter and Jelly Boats said...

I am feel like this a lot too. I have to keep telling myself, one thing at a time, one day at a time. I don't know if it really helps but it keeps me focused and not overwhelmed.

Mimi's Toes said...

I know what you mean. I have felt that lately myself. I have come to the conclusion that It's ok if things don't get done in a timely manner. So what if my windex and pledge wipes sit for 2 weeks on my computer desk...eventually things will get done. If you find pleasure in picture taking that's a great thing. I am glad you are able to put your feelings out there. One of these days I will spill it all girl.

Ryley said...

I think there is something in the air.. i laid awake for quite awhile last night just not feeling like "enough" and that everything was crumbling around me.. I know its not.. I know everything will be fine. But for awhile I even had thoughts of "Why on earth are we having this baby.. this was the dumbest idea ever.. there is no way we can do this/afford this/make this work.."
And then I stopped to think about how stupid I sounded and how many people had it SO much worse.. that didn't really make me feel better about my situation.. because for me.. it still sucks.. even if there are suckier things out there..
but... the sun always comes up the next day.. and you just keep going........

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

Wow, you summed up exactly how I've been feeling. It just seems like I have this black cloud hovering over me. You are right that there are many worse off than us, but I don't think that makes our worries obsolete. We just have to keep on smiling and know that we will at some point get over that mountain and while we are climbing we have to take some time to enjoy the view!! We can do this!!

JackeeG4glamorous said...

You know, as women we seem to think we are judged by how neat, tidy or clean our homes are, however you will never see a blog entry by a man worried about leaving thier chores undone.
Besides, unless you have 16 dogs and 23 cats in your home, with a stack of newspapers 14 inches deep on your floor, matted with dirt and feces, who the hell cares! We don't get crowns with diamonds for keeping dust off the fridge.

Yeah, I am in agreement with everyone, there is something in the air this summer, everyone is out of sorts. All the blogs I've read are similar.

This Mama's Trip said...

When you get a chance...please read my most recent post. Maybe it will help, maybe it won't...I don't know...but I thought about you when I wrote it today after reading your blog.

Nikki

Mommy Instincts said...

Oh, how I know exactly what you are feeling. I am constantly feeling overwhelmed, but ever since finding out that I am pregnant again, it has been literally out of control. I don't know where to even begin, except that I am scared of so many things to come, which in turn makes me physically ill. Some may think it's morning sickness (24 hours a day), but I really think it is due to the sheer paranoia I am living with.

*Sigh*

Jen

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Let it out. I hate that uneasiness, especially when it seems like it could be a wide range of things and not one certain thing you can really put your finger on. Unsettling. I do hope that it passes and you start feeling more peace. I'm thinking of you!

Steph

Stacie said...

shut up, did you steal this from my "no one reads" journal?

Seriously...I could have written this, but lately, I am pushing the envelope FOR MYSELF and really reaping the benefits.

Leap of faith is just that, have faith that no matter WHAT or WHERE that leap take you, you will be ok and you will survive!

Ann(ie) said...

My head is the same way. And now it's getting worse b/c gas is expensive, groceries are a bloody fortune and are our income's increasing....nope. feh. I think we as women generally mentally masturbate and enjoy perfection. ug. I often wish I could shut off my brain!