Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Turning around

Today started off just like any other morning. I put one foot in front of the other and I kept on moving forward. I do this everyday, usually never looking back but for some reason, I turned around.

I mentioned in my last post how I was growing more anxious and aware of my estranged relationship with my father and it began to weigh heavily on me in the past few weeks. After all, it has been just about 6 years since I have last seen him. All ties were cut, no lines of communication. There have been hints dropped to me in the past few years by others that his health was not the best for such a young man, but I never listened. My angry self just blew it off and kept on with my life, moving forward without him.

Since JC has started a summer program in my Dad's hometown, I have found myself driving by his house daily. Each day as I passed I would glance over to see if he was out and each day he wasn't.

Until today.

I drove past this morning and caught a glimpse of an aged red headed man that I used to adore and call Dad. A man that I never though would let me down, but did. The same man that threw such hateful, angry words at me the last time we spoke. The man that I had been hoping to catch a glimpse of for weeks, but was unable to. There he was.

So I kept on driving to work until I got a 1/2 mile down the road and I had this overwhelming feeling to turn around. A feeling that is so unusual for me to have. I wanted to keep pushing on and driving forward, but I couldn't. I turned around. Something made me turn around.

When I pulled up in the drive way, he didn't know who sat behind the wheel. When I got out, his tears were pouring down his face. The pure joy that overcame that once angry face that I had last looked at was something that I never thought I would see.

The only thing I said as I walked up was "I saw you sitting on the porch, so I thought I would stop to say hi."

I have never been hugged so tightly in my life. I can still smell him (and his smokes) on me. All he kept saying was "I have been praying for this day." Then with each exclamation of such, he would just look at me and then hug me more.

Then he looked at me and my belly. The words "it is a girl" made him cry harder as he held and kissed my belly.

Not once did I cry, not once was I able to call him Dad, but there is something about watching a grown man, let alone your father, cry. My only response was to tell him that it was "OK "and my only hope is that he now has the peace I know he was looking for.

For that moment, turning around today gave me a bit of peace too.

25 comments:

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

Oh my gosh, D. I don't even know what to say. What an amazing, amazing, amazing moment and day that will remain etched in your heart forever.

I'm just so proud of you. And I know that he is, too.

You made today MONUMENTAL, all because you turned around. LOVE THIS. LOVE YOU.

Melissa F said...

You are so brave and so strong. I, too, had a rough relationship with my birthmother (blog post idea for sure!) and I, too, made the decision to contact her and do what I needed to do to let it go and move on. We do not, by any means, have a close relationship, but I no longer carry that burden on my heart. Good for you!

*Lissa* said...

OMG, wow!! You totally made me cry.

I am so proud of you! That is a huge step and I know it must have been so hard. You did good.

XOXO

Mimi's Toes said...

I do believe in prayers and miracles! I was thinking about the comment I left you the other day about the opportunity...and WOW, God did not drag his feet on this one. Good for you for stopping and looking back. I cried when I read this. I am so happy for that Opportunity and you taking charge of it. So proud of you.

Enos Family said...

OMG! This post spoke straight to my heart today & I hope that you are so proud of yourself! You are amazing :)

Erin said...

You are amazing. AMAZING. This story is amazing, and every part of it just spoke to my heart. I'm proud of you, baby girl.

Erin said...

I cried. What a sweet story. Thanks for sharing.

Stacie's Madness said...

wow, i hope the peace you feel lasts forever!

Olive U. said...

What a great story, thanks for sharing it with us. I'm all teary. It was a divine appointment, I do believe!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Wow. This is awesome. And what everyone else above me said...

Steph

Nadia said...

This brought tears to my eyes and touched me so deeply. I can relate to this in so many different ways..

So happy for you both and thank you so much for sharing!

--It's Your Movie-- said...

This was lovely-- I am so glad he was that receptive and there is some peace. I haven't seen my dad since I was six and have had limited contact with him since then (one phone conversation and a few emails) but am now Facebook friends (sigh) with my aunt and cousins and am aware of that fact that he is kind of a wreck. I just don't know how to feel about it.

Mom23Boys said...

Tears are running down my face as I read this. I am so glad you were able to have this moment with your dad. Thanks for sharing this with us!

april said...

This is just amazing and lovely and amazing. You are amazing.

Thank you for sharing!

Lost A Sock said...

Just, wow. How amazing.

shelli said...

u made ME cry! what a wonderful, thoughtful thing you did, because you didn't have to turn around. God Bless you!

imadramamama said...

This? Is awesome.

Here's to turning around and taking the first step.

Mel @ A Box of Chocolates said...

I'm so proud of you for being the bigger person and turning your car around. I know that must have been tough! I am very happy to hear that you are feeling peaceful after your visit. I hope that this is the first step and that many other steps will follow! Sending you hugs.

Ryley said...

wow.................

Jen Tepe said...

I just read this post today, which is my birthday. It made me smile so much. I hope that what happened yesterday repeats itself. How beautiful...kinda like a little gift to read something so happy!!!

Kim said...

I am so proud of you for listening to your heart and turning around. I know it wasn't easy for you. You do sound more at peace though. I am glad you had that moment with him.

chrissy said...

the heart doesn't lie! Wow, awesome post, beautiful life, lived by an awesome, beautiful woman! Enjoy this moment! I love reading this!
Wow, absolutely amazing, you are absolutely amazing!

FC said...

This is amazing! Good for you!
~ FC

Lynette3boys said...

That must have been such a hard step to take. Your confidence and strength are inspiring. Good for you. I am very touched by your story.

SJ said...

Very touching CE. I'm glad you are at peace with your decision to turn around, and I bet your Dad is too.

Inspiring to say the least!