A ongoing list of shit that is either pissing me off, making me laugh or even cry today. Folks, I am 37.5 weeks pregnant and my emotional/hormonal state is quite questionable as I type. Every 15 minutes is different and I *hate* feeling like that. Since I have a feeling that I will gloss or blur this day over in my head in a few weeks, why not jot it all down to prove what an emotional nutbag I really was? Sound fun, doesn't it?
* I woke up feeling tired, but physically good. Had the usual morning routine of rolling my large mass out of my bed, wobbling into the shower and then spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower because I can no longer shave or reach places.
While in the shower I contemplated calling off for today and stood under the warm water and watched it roll off my dropping belly. I started to cry when I looked at my stretch marks and bigger thighs. If I could have seen my feet, I might have laughed because they are so freakishly swollen.
*Frustrated at JC for taking 35 minutes to eat his breakfast and then quickly feel so completely guilty for rushing him because I have to get to work on time. I hate work. I hate that I have to get him up so early. Then I become tearful because I was surely going to be late for work. I hate being late....
*Chest pains set in while trying to get out of the house. There have been times in the past where I have had panic attacks, just not in a long time. Soon the sweating,pounding heart and chest pains came as I struggled to get my shoes on.
This is where I sit on the couch, half dressed and start to cry because I realize on the outside that I'm emotional, pregnant and tired. On the inside I feel like my mom structure is collapsing and I can't hold it together anymore.
Quickly I dried the tears and start on JC again. Telling him for the 4th time to get his shoes on. "For the love of God, get your shoes on!".
* Trying to get dressed. TRYING. SO. HARD. Nothing fits, my 2 pairs of scrubs are tight, worn out and I'm so sick of them I could burn them. HATE MY BIG ASS.
Ass, did I mention that every pair of underwear I have that somewhat fits, rolls down my belly and sits there in a huge tight mess. Not to mention that the pair I do have on is too big so I might as well be wearing a thong by the time I but my pants on.
Cue more crying, chest pains start fading.
* In the car and apologies are made to JC for Mom having a hard morning. I tell him how much I love him and that I hope he has a great day. Strange looks coming from the back seat are seen in my rear view mirror. I think I may have freaked the young lad out more.
Cue crazy mom moment.
*While driving to work I call to inform the of the disastrous morning, otherwise known as Thursday and start balling on the phone while I explain.
Cue embarrassment and more crying.
my nose is red and runny.
*While working I have pretty constant braxton hicks. Silently I pray that she comes this Sunday and for the love of God, not Saturday. Beth is taking my photos Saturday and more than anything I want photos of my belly that I have loved so much. Better photos than the tripod shots I have taken. Thinking of the upcoming plans makes me happy. Having Erin do makeup and Beth make me look good in photos cheers me up.
*I check in the world's most annoying patient. His smell, looks, attitude and cocky answers make me want to punch him. As I clicked my pen to write I have visions of stabbing him in the eye to shut him up.
(no i would never harm anyone)
*Walking around work someone makes a comment about looking ready to be done. It makes me wonder just how bad I really do look. It's been a rough day so far and it's only 10:30 am. My mood, my body and my head feel awful. So I must look awful.
getting weepy again.
*Best friends offer to take me to lunch today. I accept happily since the last thing I want to eat is my packed lunch. I'm broke and I now sit and wonder how I am going to afford my extended maternity leave. Not to mention we are waiting to know more about Mr. CE's job. Fun times.
Cue chest pains and panic.
*Sit and calculate just how many hours of vacation I do have. Can I risk and call off any days to feel better? or will Miss E arrive early?
I can't wait to have her in my arms.
*Thoughts shift quickly and realize that as of today our kitchen is done, but appliances have to move back in. Our daughter still doesn't have a room ready, a crib set up or a new painted room. Sure she will sleep by me for a few weeks, but she doesn't even have a bassinet yet. I'm reminded that I have no time to get things done and I can't even find time (or money) to go buy the bassinet I want for her.
cue frustration and worried, panic mode once again.
*Work dies down for now. I can't keep up, but am expected too. Coming to work everyday is starting to wear me out physically. Long gone are the days where I can zip up and down the halls. Since the baby has dropped quite a bit, all I do is waddle in pain from her sitting so very low.
Staring at the monitor, sore, tired and worn out after only 4 hours of work. Silently hoping that no one thinks I am lazy or notices that I am having a rough day.
cue need for nap.
*Baby moves back and forth. It's like she knew I needed to feel her...
cue gushy love momment.
* lunch went well with co-workers and I laughed till my full bladder couldn't take it.
cue the hopeful, happy moment