Thursday, September 17, 2009

so far today...(updated)

A ongoing list of shit that is either pissing me off, making me laugh or even cry today. Folks, I am 37.5 weeks pregnant and my emotional/hormonal state is quite questionable as I type. Every 15 minutes is different and I *hate* feeling like that. Since I have a feeling that I will gloss or blur this day over in my head in a few weeks, why not jot it all down to prove what an emotional nutbag I really was? Sound fun, doesn't it?

damn right

* I woke up feeling tired, but physically good. Had the usual morning routine of rolling my large mass out of my bed, wobbling into the shower and then spending an extra 10 minutes in the shower because I can no longer shave or reach places.

While in the shower I contemplated calling off for today and stood under the warm water and watched it roll off my dropping belly. I started to cry when I looked at my stretch marks and bigger thighs. If I could have seen my feet, I might have laughed because they are so freakishly swollen.

*Frustrated at JC for taking 35 minutes to eat his breakfast and then quickly feel so completely guilty for rushing him because I have to get to work on time. I hate work. I hate that I have to get him up so early. Then I become tearful because I was surely going to be late for work. I hate being late....

*Chest pains set in while trying to get out of the house. There have been times in the past where I have had panic attacks, just not in a long time. Soon the sweating,pounding heart and chest pains came as I struggled to get my shoes on.

This is where I sit on the couch, half dressed and start to cry because I realize on the outside that I'm emotional, pregnant and tired. On the inside I feel like my mom structure is collapsing and I can't hold it together anymore.

Quickly I dried the tears and start on JC again. Telling him for the 4th time to get his shoes on. "For the love of God, get your shoes on!".

* Trying to get dressed. TRYING. SO. HARD. Nothing fits, my 2 pairs of scrubs are tight, worn out and I'm so sick of them I could burn them. HATE MY BIG ASS.

Ass, did I mention that every pair of underwear I have that somewhat fits, rolls down my belly and sits there in a huge tight mess. Not to mention that the pair I do have on is too big so I might as well be wearing a thong by the time I but my pants on.

Cue more crying, chest pains start fading.

* In the car and apologies are made to JC for Mom having a hard morning. I tell him how much I love him and that I hope he has a great day. Strange looks coming from the back seat are seen in my rear view mirror. I think I may have freaked the young lad out more.

Cue crazy mom moment.

*While driving to work I call to inform the of the disastrous morning, otherwise known as Thursday and start balling on the phone while I explain.

Cue embarrassment and more crying.
my nose is red and runny.
Not cute.

*While working I have pretty constant braxton hicks. Silently I pray that she comes this Sunday and for the love of God, not Saturday. Beth is taking my photos Saturday and more than anything I want photos of my belly that I have loved so much. Better photos than the tripod shots I have taken. Thinking of the upcoming plans makes me happy. Having Erin do makeup and Beth make me look good in photos cheers me up.

*I check in the world's most annoying patient. His smell, looks, attitude and cocky answers make me want to punch him. As I clicked my pen to write I have visions of stabbing him in the eye to shut him up.

(no i would never harm anyone)

tension grows.

*Walking around work someone makes a comment about looking ready to be done. It makes me wonder just how bad I really do look. It's been a rough day so far and it's only 10:30 am. My mood, my body and my head feel awful. So I must look awful.

getting weepy again.

*Best friends offer to take me to lunch today. I accept happily since the last thing I want to eat is my packed lunch. I'm broke and I now sit and wonder how I am going to afford my extended maternity leave. Not to mention we are waiting to know more about Mr. CE's job. Fun times.

Cue chest pains and panic.

*Sit and calculate just how many hours of vacation I do have. Can I risk and call off any days to feel better? or will Miss E arrive early?

I can't wait to have her in my arms.

*Thoughts shift quickly and realize that as of today our kitchen is done, but appliances have to move back in. Our daughter still doesn't have a room ready, a crib set up or a new painted room. Sure she will sleep by me for a few weeks, but she doesn't even have a bassinet yet. I'm reminded that I have no time to get things done and I can't even find time (or money) to go buy the bassinet I want for her.

cue frustration and worried, panic mode once again.

*Work dies down for now. I can't keep up, but am expected too. Coming to work everyday is starting to wear me out physically. Long gone are the days where I can zip up and down the halls. Since the baby has dropped quite a bit, all I do is waddle in pain from her sitting so very low.

Staring at the monitor, sore, tired and worn out after only 4 hours of work. Silently hoping that no one thinks I am lazy or notices that I am having a rough day.

cue need for nap.

*Baby moves back and forth. It's like she knew I needed to feel her...

cue gushy love momment.

* lunch went well with co-workers and I laughed till my full bladder couldn't take it.
cue the hopeful, happy moment

18 comments:

chrissy said...

I'm so sorry you are all over the place with your emotions! I hated that when I was pregnant, but it is so beautiful and heart-breaking and heart-fulfilling to read! I pray your day and days ahead are much better!
Can't wait to see those beautiful belly shots from Beth!
Dare I say: This too shall pass? oh yea, I said it! It's so true!
Hugs to you!

chrissy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Carrington said...

Oh honey, this is just the worst, I'm so sorry. That last month is hell, I don't care what people say, and how excited you are about the baby, the last month just sucks the big one, and its like 10 times worse if you are working and have things stressing you out. You must find a way to take care of yourself, and have your hubby take care of you, and find a way to control the anxiety because this isn't about you anymore, its about that baby, and so I'm telling you that you aren't allowed to do this anymore okay? No more stressed out CE damnit! I love you, and I hope that you are able to find some peace, some comfort in these last few weeks!

Stacie's Madness said...

{hugs}

if it makes you feel any better, my mornings and days are like this sometimes and I'm not even pregnant.

actually it's usually around pms time, seriously, how long DOES it take to eat a bowl of cereal?

oh.sorry.
Feel better!

Janine said...

I'm smiling as I read this because you seriously could have been writing the exact events of my morning, complete with the apologies to my daughters in the car on the way to school, the pants that are so tight they hurt, and the sobbing phone call to my husband as I sat at my desk at school hoping that the painful contractions would subside before my 25 kindergartners arrived. These last few weeks are miserable no matter how hard we try to be tough and cheerful. Hang in there! Once we have our babies in our arms this will be a distant memory.

The Fritz Facts said...

I am sorry that you are going through the rough time right now. It is so awful and wonderful at the same time. I hope the rest of the week is better, and that your pictures turn our fabulous!

*Lissa* said...

Gah. I am so sorry your days have been rough! I am amazed at the fact that you are still working and on your feet all day.

I can't wait to see your photos that you will be taking this weekend! I am sure they will be lovely!


XOXO

Erin said...

Breathe, sweetie, and know that all these worries and fears? THEY WILL WORK OUT. They will. Every single one of them will work out just fine, and it'll all resolve itself. Enjoy these last few weeks (or maybe days!) as well as you can, and you know what? If Beth doesn't get to take your maternity photos, I WILL BE THERE at the hospital to put makeup on you for post-delivery photos if you feel up to it, okay?
But I have a feeling Miss E knows how important it is for her mommy to be made up and photographed with a full belly, so she'll wait.

imadramamama said...

You are kicking ass and taking names with the fact that you are still working. You are amazing.

Everything will work out, and in a few weeks you'll realize what all of this was for as you hold Miss E.

Anonymous said...

/hug

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

You are so sweet and so pregnant and GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.

I know it seems impossible...but try.

It's so hard being this pregnant and then you sprinkle all of your stresses on top and it makes it even worse.

You are not alone...

I did, however, laugh out loud at you poking the guy in the eye with your pen. Crazy girl.

Elaine A. said...

Is it okay to feel a little relief that someone else has crazy swollen feet like I do?

I feel for you having to get up and go to work everyday still and I'm sure they understand if you need to rest/take breaks more these days. At least they better or I'm gonna come up there an kick 'em! (well, if I could...)

I'm glad you had a good lunch and that baby let you know she loves you with her sweet kicks...

Hugs my friend! (although once again, not sure we'd be able to at this point!)

Amy M. said...

i have been thinking about you so much. i don't know what it's like because i only made it to 37 weeks and that was uncomfortable enough.

i hope you go sooner than later!

amy f. said...

I can relate to SO much that you posted! I just blogged about my "hormonal/emotional" day as well. I just didn't include as many details...it was more about how the day ended on a beautiful note. And, I can seriously relate to the underwear dilemma...ugh! I am 36.5 weeks pregnant, so we are close! Thinking about you...this craziness will all be worth it when we have our baby girls in our arms!!

Anonymous said...

KNow what? I have never met you IRL, but I just love your blog and your real , raw emotions. The posts you write make me feel like I know you. And if I was even remotly in "your area" of the world I would be there, painting, searching for a bassinett and helping in any way I could to ease your stresses. Hugs. As Erin said.. It waill all work out in the end. It will. Miss E is a miracle baby and with her miracles will hapen. Believe it.

:)

Amy
Trahansrus@hotmail.com

To Think is to Create said...

You are so close, and so soon you'll have baby E and will not have to work for a while and all this stress will fall away. Thinking of you and can't WAIT to see the pics!

xoxo

Sara Joy said...

Hang in there pretty lady! I think we can all understand the madness of your days right now, and we just wish we could help.
You're doing great, this is going to work, life is as it should be.
{HUGS}
SJ

Kim said...

You sound like me right before each of my babies were born. I just emotionally MELT DOWN. A couple days before Libby was born Seth asked me why I was so mean all the time. Yeah, I sobbed in the car as we were driving wherever we were going. You're almost done. Won't be much longer and you'll be holding that sweet girl in your arms Mama!! Can't wait to see her and find out what the E stands for!!! xoxoxo!