Tuesday, December 15, 2009

father

Remember when I wrote about the last contact I had with my father?
no? it's here.

Well there has been a few things that have happened since that day and I haven't really talked about it with anyone but Mr. CE. As of lately things have somewhat been brewing again. Shortly after I stopped to speak with him, his girlfriend of 10 years dropped by a card and flowers congratulating me on my pregnancy. It was left on the porch and I totally avoided another fact to face meeting.

phew...

When the baby was born I did send an announcement to them since they did know I was having her. At the time we thought her name was going to be Ava and he knew that. Hence, I wanted to send word of her birthday and what we had named her. I wasn't expecting anything from it, I even put JC's school picture in it. Never did I think anything of it.

About a week later I came home to the mail and there was a handwritten note from his friend, a friend that I had never heard of. It basically stated that my father loves me, talks about me all the time and was so appreciative for the photos. It went on to say that my father doesn't want to make me uncomfortable by just showing up, but he wishes to talk.

...crickets.....

I was shocked. Make me uncomfortable??? Did he not think sending someone over that I don't know would make me at ease about the situation? This man, my father, is selfish. He always has been and I see it as his way to get everyone else involved to make everyone feel sorry for him. I've seen it for years and this is exactly a perfect example.

So I then become uncomfortable just as he set out not to do. Then I started thinking about the day I turned around and after years of not speaking, I spoke. You know what I can't get out of my head? When he hugged me it was in a very selfish way. In a way that I had forgotten how things were always about him, and never about me, his daughter. When he hugged me he said, "Oh CE, hold me" "just hold me". At that moment I remember thinking that I yet again felt like the adult and him the child. Why couldn't he have said "I missed you, let me hold YOU".

That moment has played in my head for months. It makes my stomach turn. It makes me wish that I would have had a better father growing up. Not the man who would make my sister and I wait for hours at the door waiting for him to pick us up. Instead we got the father who would call hours later and cancel on his babies. FOR YEARS this happened until we became teenagers and we realized that we didn't have to wait for him.

I had the father that couldn't pay is broke ex-wife so she could feed her babies. I had the father who was moving on with a new wife and child driving a new car every 2 years while my mother barely had a running car. Selfish. I learned from a very young age that my father is selfish and that I would never be first in his life. Now...now he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable...

shit.

Well I could go on about my past, but this isn't a therapy session...kinda.

A few weeks ago his girlfriend stopped by at the house, I went into the other room while Mr. CE answered the door. It seems that my father is sick about this situation and he desperately wants to speak to me. Mr, CE informed her that I am still very hurt about what he said and did to me about 5 years ago.

(did I ever mention that on here, not sure. During my grandmothers illness in a hospital, he cursed me out for suggesting hospice with my other aunt who is a nurse. plus more issues... that day I had never seen such evil in his eyes and I decided that I would never let him hurt me again)

So today I have this situation just sitting waiting for me to take charge and I am lost. Except that my Mother's brother passed away on Friday and today is the wake. My mother called my father to make him aware since my uncle and him were so close for decades. Problem?? I will have to see my father at the wake and or funeral.

I am not prepared for this. I don't have my plan. I don't know what I want from him. The ball is in my court and I don't know what to do. I know I feel that he will always be my father no matter what, but I am not sure that I can ever forgive him for not being my daddy.

I know when I see him, things aren't just going to magically be fixed but I'm anxious and worried sick about what to do. He hurt and disappointed me for years, I am not sure I want him to be in my life to do that to my children.

I'm guessing that right now I will just avoid the situation some more, but I know deep in my heart I have to make a decision. Why does it always have to be so hard? Why couldn't I have had the daddy that I always thought I would get? I suppose I was better off, I had a mommy did both roles and I turned out amazing because of it.



***Sorry about my therapy session,I'm not proof reading and am not completely sure any of this makes sense. It's my raw feelings and they are not polished for publishing. I am extremely nervous about the possibility of seeing him***

25 comments:

Julia said...

Good luck with everything --- sending lots of love your way.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Oh Donya, I wish I knew what the right thing was to say. I think that despite his selfishness, the fact that he is trying so hard to reach you says something, but it's not in the way that is healthy or best for you.

If you can, just be the bigger person, be loving (if you can) and it might mean you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and make room for forgiveness, but you'll know you're doing the right thing.

Be sure you have others around you so you aren't alone with him. I'm thinking of you today.

love,
Steph

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

Of course you are nervous and scared and anxious and feeling a million different things right now, Donya, it's so important for you to just ACCEPT those feelings as something you can not control, because you can't. Do not be hard on yourself because you are feeling these emotions.

You have been dealt a tough hand when it comes to your father, I wish I had a magic plan for you to help you through this situation or even this moment today that you'll have with him but I don't...but I'll be praying for you.

For your strength.
For your heart and love to shine through.
For you to do your best to forgive this selfish man, who has the title of FATHER in your life.

Take a deep breath and let your love shine through. We are behind you.

Love you, sweet girl.

Elaine A. said...

I don't have a father like this but I do have a FIL VERY much like this. I'm sorry to say that he'll never change (which I'm sure you already know) so you are the one who has to adapt. It's the same way with my FIL. They'll always be selfish and it will always be about them, not you or your family. That's just who they are.

It took me a while to figure it out because I was not used to that behavior. Unfortunately it IS up to you as to how you want to carry on. We have pretty limited contact with my FIL but my husband, being the man that he is, does stay in touch with him and once he gets his fill of the kids (he visits with them for about 5 minutes...) he's done and on to the next thing about HIM.

All this to say, I feel for you and can relate and that I pray for you and my heart goes out to you friend...

Erin said...

Oh, D. It'd be strange if you didn't have these feelings. I hope in my truest of hopes that he desperately wants redemption for his wrongs. I hope that he can say, I'm sorry, for missing out on your life. For not being around while your mom was raising two beautiful, strong girls. I hope he can admit that you turned out wonderfully, in spite of his neglect.
Just know that if he doesn't, all of that is true--with or without him. Stay strong. Keep Mr CE near you when you can and remember, you owe your father nothing. If you don't feel like you can have him back in your life, you DO NOT have to let him. And it's okay to let him know that.

You have my prayers and love.

CraftGirlAlli said...

I know we don't know each other at all...I just happened to come across your blog a few weeks ago. I can completely relate to this post. I have a "father" who is a lot like yours. Except mine doesn't even make an effort to contact me. He's never met his grandson (who is now 2 1/2). He knows he exists and I know that he's seen pictures (because I keep in contact with my grandpa, my father's father). A few years ago, my grandma passed away. That was the first I'd seen my father in several years. He didn't even speak to me.
It's something I struggle with alot and I feel a lot of the same feelings you are feeling right now.
I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. It's not fun and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
I'll be praying for you!

~Mendie~ said...

I never met my father, he left my mom when she was pregnant. There were times that I wished I had known him, but times that I think I would have slapped him in the face for what he did to my mother. I think maybe you kinda felt the same way at times.

You can only do what your heart tells you to do. You do not have to love this man simply because he is your birth father. Love is earned and unless he shows you that he is ready to be there for you and love what you have to give him, including 2 beautiful grandbabies...then you don't owe him a thing. If a connection is there, you will feel it. It can't be made.

Praying that your heart will lead you to the right answer...if there is such a thing. Hugs my friend-stay strong and I'm sorry the memorial has to be made heavier by this.

Sara Joy said...

I don't know you. Not really. But your heart shines so bright here I have to tell you that I will pray for you today.
And I'm not sure what to pray for, but God knows what you need. I can't imagine your heartache at this situation - there is no right answer and you can't beat yourself up because you haven't figured it out. It won't be figured out. But you aching at this, gnawing away at the possibilities, fighting so hard to make right what is so hopelessly wrong - it is proof that you are not him. You are better than him. And the gift you and Mr. CE give your children by being better breaks the curse this man has laid upon you.
I hope something wonderful happens today, but if it doesn't - YOU are still wonderful. ((hugs)) to you.

Ryley said...

My heart breaks for you, and for your hurt. Stay strong, keep your husband and children close. Remember what is important to you and how blessed you are.
We are all here for you in one giant collective hug.
I hope and pray everything turns out peacefully for you.. This isnt the time that you need to be worrying about this..

Sarah Viola said...

Oh D. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I'm sorry I don't always know what to say.

I do know that you are a good person, a better person, and having the ball in your court gives you the luxury of time. Time to plan, and figure out what you want or need to say.

Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I'll even share my coconut m&m's.

I love you.

Mimi's Toes said...

There is no right answer. I feel so bad for you because your father is missing out on knowing a beautiful daughter such as yourself. I will be praying for God to direct you and show you the right direction to take.

imadramamama.wordpress.com said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting. Just know that you cannot change him. You can hear him out. You can accept him. You just can't change him.

I hope this all turns out the way you want it to.

Kiki said...

So, I know that I haven't commented very much on your blog but i've been reading. But here's my therapist two cents! Take it or leave it.

Forgiveness isn't for your dad. It's for you. You are the only person who will benefit from forgiving him. When we don't forgive people, bitterness grows. And we think we are punishing the person by not forgiving them. But, they usually just go on with their life and are unaffected with our unforgiveness.

I hope that all makes sense. I totally understand about wanting a daddy and getting a father. I've wanted a daddy my whole life. The only daddy I can count on is my daddy in heaven.

Bacardi Mama said...

I agree with Rhonda that there is no right answer. It will be up to you if you want to give him a chance to redeem himself (if that is what he is trying to do)and all we can do is send you our love and support to help you along the way. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this now. It should be a magical time of year with Mr. CE and your beautiful kids. Just know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tiffany said...

I must say that I can't imagine your pain in this situation. I had a mother who left a lot to be desired, and that has caused lasting effects on my life, but it sounds like your father was worse. I will say, however, that forgiveness isn't for them. It's for YOU. It allows you to move on and not hold onto the situation. It doesn't mean you ever have to speak to the man again. It just means that you can leave things (and him if you want) in the past.

Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

I really hope that things work out...good luck with everything...always love reading your posts...you a very strong woman!

Kim said...

Don't apologize for what you write here. This is your space, your place to share or not share what you need to.

I can understand being nervous to see him. I can't imagine being in the situation are you in though. Listen to your heart and your dear ones that surround you. You're in my prayers darling.

SJ said...

There really is no right or wrong answer, just follow your heart and do what your gut tells you to do.

Good luck, I'll be thinking about you!

Christy M. said...

It's been 4 years since I've spoken with my dad. I know exactly how you're feeling. I think about it everyday, but his selfishness and stupidity keep me from making a move. I quit mailing him cards 2 years ago, and I'm not sure he even knows I have a daughter. Scratch that, he does because my brother googled my name and saw her birth announcement in our local paper. So he knows, and he still does nothing.

I hope the wake goes well. I wish I had words of wisdom for you. My advice is to hold your head high and walk right past him. But that might not be the best advice....

~love said...

i know i'm late, but just wanted to say that you are loved! hope today went better than expected. and know that you are loved more than could ever be imagined by the most perfect Father! (something that was huge for me to accept even though i have an amazing "step"dad, whom i totally consider my dad.)

Haley said...

I can totally relate. My realationship with my Dad is not great either.

I am so sorry to hear that after all these years of pain he caused he is just now trying to make an effort that (really)is selfish.

I hope that everything will work out for you and that you are able to find peace in your heart.

((HUGS))

It's a Beautiful Ride said...

I'm 2 weeks late in responding but nonetheless know that you have a Father in heaven who loves you more than anything.

Coming from a family who puts the fun in dysfunctional (holla!) I can empathize with you on the fatherly standpoint.

No matter what you do, I hope you'll be praying as I am for you for discernment and confirmation.

And know that no matter what... You daddy in heaven loves you.... and friends are the family we choose....

((HUGS))

It's a Beautiful Ride said...

PS After really pondering this I want you to remember that even though he's your father you don't have to allow him back in. You do have to stand up for yourself and set boundaries if you do. The root of people will always be there...

I've been reading a really good book titled "Boundaries" published by Zondervan..

The name says it all... Applicable to anytime or anyplace we need to create boundaries.

Marcela Beatty said...

This is super late. I hope everything went well. I was scared for you while I was reading.

As I read I remembered my encounters with my father, a person very similar to your father.

For reasons that hurt and make me weak, I refuse to see him as well.
One of my life goals is to one day stand up to him and let him know how much he has hurt me and one day I hope I can forgive him.

And I hope in a way it was a little like therapy. All you can do is focus on you and you are so special. You gave me a little therapy too ( :

Heather D said...

I don't know how everything went, but I hope you have some peace.

My husband went through the exact same thing with his father. Over the last year we've slowly built a relationship with him and his family, but it's been very cautious.

I hope that whatever you decide, it is for you and your family.

LOVE!