Remember when I wrote about the last contact I had with my father?
no? it's here.
Well there has been a few things that have happened since that day and I haven't really talked about it with anyone but Mr. CE. As of lately things have somewhat been brewing again. Shortly after I stopped to speak with him, his girlfriend of 10 years dropped by a card and flowers congratulating me on my pregnancy. It was left on the porch and I totally avoided another fact to face meeting.
When the baby was born I did send an announcement to them since they did know I was having her. At the time we thought her name was going to be Ava and he knew that. Hence, I wanted to send word of her birthday and what we had named her. I wasn't expecting anything from it, I even put JC's school picture in it. Never did I think anything of it.
About a week later I came home to the mail and there was a handwritten note from his friend, a friend that I had never heard of. It basically stated that my father loves me, talks about me all the time and was so appreciative for the photos. It went on to say that my father doesn't want to make me uncomfortable by just showing up, but he wishes to talk.
I was shocked. Make me uncomfortable??? Did he not think sending someone over that I don't know would make me at ease about the situation? This man, my father, is selfish. He always has been and I see it as his way to get everyone else involved to make everyone feel sorry for him. I've seen it for years and this is exactly a perfect example.
So I then become uncomfortable just as he set out not to do. Then I started thinking about the day I turned around and after years of not speaking, I spoke. You know what I can't get out of my head? When he hugged me it was in a very selfish way. In a way that I had forgotten how things were always about him, and never about me, his daughter. When he hugged me he said, "Oh CE, hold me" "just hold me". At that moment I remember thinking that I yet again felt like the adult and him the child. Why couldn't he have said "I missed you, let me hold YOU".
That moment has played in my head for months. It makes my stomach turn. It makes me wish that I would have had a better father growing up. Not the man who would make my sister and I wait for hours at the door waiting for him to pick us up. Instead we got the father who would call hours later and cancel on his babies. FOR YEARS this happened until we became teenagers and we realized that we didn't have to wait for him.
I had the father that couldn't pay is broke ex-wife so she could feed her babies. I had the father who was moving on with a new wife and child driving a new car every 2 years while my mother barely had a running car. Selfish. I learned from a very young age that my father is selfish and that I would never be first in his life. Now...now he doesn't want to make me uncomfortable...
Well I could go on about my past, but this isn't a therapy session...kinda.
A few weeks ago his girlfriend stopped by at the house, I went into the other room while Mr. CE answered the door. It seems that my father is sick about this situation and he desperately wants to speak to me. Mr, CE informed her that I am still very hurt about what he said and did to me about 5 years ago.
(did I ever mention that on here, not sure. During my grandmothers illness in a hospital, he cursed me out for suggesting hospice with my other aunt who is a nurse. plus more issues... that day I had never seen such evil in his eyes and I decided that I would never let him hurt me again)
So today I have this situation just sitting waiting for me to take charge and I am lost. Except that my Mother's brother passed away on Friday and today is the wake. My mother called my father to make him aware since my uncle and him were so close for decades. Problem?? I will have to see my father at the wake and or funeral.
I am not prepared for this. I don't have my plan. I don't know what I want from him. The ball is in my court and I don't know what to do. I know I feel that he will always be my father no matter what, but I am not sure that I can ever forgive him for not being my daddy.
I know when I see him, things aren't just going to magically be fixed but I'm anxious and worried sick about what to do. He hurt and disappointed me for years, I am not sure I want him to be in my life to do that to my children.
I'm guessing that right now I will just avoid the situation some more, but I know deep in my heart I have to make a decision. Why does it always have to be so hard? Why couldn't I have had the daddy that I always thought I would get? I suppose I was better off, I had a mommy did both roles and I turned out amazing because of it.
***Sorry about my therapy session,I'm not proof reading and am not completely sure any of this makes sense. It's my raw feelings and they are not polished for publishing. I am extremely nervous about the possibility of seeing him***