These past few weeks have been an interesting, emotional roller coaster. Returning to work was (and still is) just as hard emotionally and physically as I thought it would be. I wasn't ready to leave my baby and believe me, my body was no where near ready to work full time on a newborn sleeping schedule.
I prepped, prepared, made lists and prayed like never before hoping to make this transition in our lives a smooth one. While still on maternity leave I was held together with some pretty tough glue. Not quite as strong as before the baby, but still, it was strong. As the days went by faster and my return date came closer, I felt my glue weaken under the pressure. The worries, tension and stress of leaving my baby in the arms of strangers knocked me down. I came unglued.
Being raised by a single mom had given me such high standards to be strong. My mother is my model of motherhood. Hard working, strong, loving and from memory, nothing knocked her down. So she is my inspiration. I figure that God put her together with some sturdy stuff to be a single, full time working mother of two, then I probably have some of that same glue hidden some where. It's just my job to find it.
It has now been 10 days or so back to work and while I have seen some improvement, there is a long way to go until I feel comfortable again. Although I have still cried while driving away from the daycare center, I find myself pulling myself together a little faster each day. My glue is starting to thicken a bit, it remains tacky and no where near the strength I would like it to be.
Soon, hopefully, I will be pulled together, super glued and holding strong for the long haul. Accepting the fact that my children will be cared for by strangers, the fact that I have to work once again and letting go of my mother guilt is a slow process. I wonder if Gorilla glue would work...