Friday, January 22, 2010

Glue

These past few weeks have been an interesting, emotional roller coaster. Returning to work was (and still is) just as hard emotionally and physically as I thought it would be. I wasn't ready to leave my baby and believe me, my body was no where near ready to work full time on a newborn sleeping schedule.

I prepped, prepared, made lists and prayed like never before hoping to make this transition in our lives a smooth one. While still on maternity leave I was held together with some pretty tough glue. Not quite as strong as before the baby, but still, it was strong. As the days went by faster and my return date came closer, I felt my glue weaken under the pressure. The worries, tension and stress of leaving my baby in the arms of strangers knocked me down. I came unglued.

Being raised by a single mom had given me such high standards to be strong. My mother is my model of motherhood. Hard working, strong, loving and from memory, nothing knocked her down. So she is my inspiration. I figure that God put her together with some sturdy stuff to be a single, full time working mother of two, then I probably have some of that same glue hidden some where. It's just my job to find it.

It has now been 10 days or so back to work and while I have seen some improvement, there is a long way to go until I feel comfortable again. Although I have still cried while driving away from the daycare center, I find myself pulling myself together a little faster each day. My glue is starting to thicken a bit, it remains tacky and no where near the strength I would like it to be.

Soon, hopefully, I will be pulled together, super glued and holding strong for the long haul. Accepting the fact that my children will be cared for by strangers, the fact that I have to work once again and letting go of my mother guilt is a slow process. I wonder if Gorilla glue would work...

14 comments:

Erin said...

Maybe duct tape? Let's try it.
You're stronger than you give yourself credit. I'm hiding behind guest bloggers because I can't even write about it.

Anonymous said...

I was reading this and thinking, hmm, "what about Gorilla glue" chuckling at how darn witty I am and then you said it! That's scary, must be a weird sister thing, huh? Amen to mom but she's like a super-human, can we really measure up to her?! Let's not even try! She had to leave us with strangers too and we turned out ok, right? I have no idea what you are feeling but I bet mom felt the same way...it has to get better, I hope. I'll be crying the same tune too, so take notes for me! I love you!
mb
xoxo

Kirsten said...

You do have the super-est of glue holding you together. If you didn't I bet you WOULDN'T have made it through the first day and here you are. You make it sound like your mom had it together in her head. I bet if you asked there were probably months where she was hanging on by the same thin thread that you are right now. Hang in there, CE. You are doing awesome at what you MUST do.

Bacardi Mama said...

I agree with Erin. You are stronger than you are giving yourself credit for. I know you rock girlfriend. You'll see that glue getting stronger every day. You are doing what you have to do and it will all work out and be fine.

Mimi's Toes said...

You are strong, just like your mom was. I know it will get easier as time goes by. Still praying for you. This was a great post.

chrissy said...

I agree with the above comments! Give yourself some credit Mama, you have more strength than you realize and your glue is holding strong! Hmmmm, have I said this to you before?
Anyway, I think it takes strength to cry and more strength to get it together and even more strength to share. so many moms go through this and they think they are alone! Thanks for making me realize I am not alone!
((HUGS)))

Beana said...

I remind myself often...the memories I have of my own childhood and the kind of mom I had--and I want to be--start when I was 8 or 9...and I'm sure the young years of my life were as hectic and crazy as the life I have right now--and you as well. It has to get better. That keeps me sane!!

~Mendie~ said...

Wishes for the glue to get stronger every day!

Love that you had such a strong role model to learn what kind of mother you wanted to be...I think she did a great job wiht you!

Laura @ Cameron Crazy said...

All of our love and prayers are working. Glad to hear you are doing better. :)

Brooke said...

I bet if you talked to your mom, she was feeling the same way you are now. Being the "Mom" she couldn't let you see how she was feeling!

You're doing great!

Elaine A. said...

Just like everything else, it takes time. Hang in there girl!

And it's okay to come "unglued", you're only human after all!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I'm falling apart at the seams everywhere. You are so strong, whether it's showing or not, you have an amazing heart.

Steph

ZDub said...

Much love to you. This just sucks, know other way to put it.

Beth at I Should Be Folding Laundry said...

No matter how weak you feel, you are good, strong glue. Seriously, you are.