Thursday, January 14, 2010

What can I say? I am back at work and hating every moment of it. My first day back was rough to say the least and still at three days into this new transition, it takes every ounce of me not to walk out.

On Tuesday we did our newly practiced routine of waking up and being dropped off early. JC did well and Eden, well she pouts at me when I leave her. It kills me. As I shut the door to the nursery, I cry every time. I slowly make my way to my car and I lose it. While driving I give my self a pep talk reminding me I have to work for my family and it is for the best. But honestly, I can't believe my own line of bull shit I'm telling myself. Everyday I have walked into work full of tears.

My first day back I sat there and cried while my boss updated me on some changes. My tears slowly dried up but the pain in my heart grew worse. While I was gone on maternity leave, decisions were made to change where I worked in my clinic, which included dissolving my wound clinic. My pride and joy of work...gone.

My reasons for staying at my job are now gone and now I am stuck working while my babies sit in someone else's care all day. I hate it. No words are going to convince me other wise, I hate it. JC spends 11 hours in the care of others, while Eden spends about 9. I can't say it enough... It is killing me to have them gone for so long. All my time spent with them is so very rushed and not how I imagined my children's' lives. I can't even begin to think about having other people see my daughter roll or crawl for the first time either, it makes me ill.

Everyday I leave them and I rush to pick them up. Of course I am used to leaving JC, but I am having huge separation issues with the baby. When I pick her up she is usually in a different outfit because of an accident and she no longer smells like my baby. Don't even get me started on the fact that she has her first diaper rash. This infuriates me and makes my heart hurt that she isn't getting cared for as well as she does with me. It makes me sick.

My stomach turns at night about how I have to be the mother that does nothing in the morning but rush to leave them. You see I work in a very militant environment and one minute late is a tardy. There is no give and take or flexibility to be had. If you are late enough times, you get written up. Then you are pretty much labeled as a problem and they have no issues in making your time there miserable.

In a nutshell, I work in hell. It makes me a nervous, anxiety filled person and it was SO.NICE. to get rid of that feeling while I was off. I felt normal and at ease for the first time in 6 years. I know people are thinking "grow up and work", but it goes way deeper than that.

JC was verbally and emotionally abused while at a very, highly recommended daycare and he still, at 9, can remember it. Daycare with him was a struggle and it leaves an awful taste in my mouth, knowing it could happen to my other baby. So going back to work, simply isn't easy for me. I thought when I was pregnant it would be, but it is not.

Now, I must go pump. That sucks too.

37 comments:

Ryley said...

I don't even know what to say. I know nothing I can say will make anything better.
I am sooo sooo sorry that it has to be this way.
I wish there was something, anything I could do to make it just a little bit better.
I'm sorry... {{{{HUGS}}}}

Megan said...

Warning: This is going to be the longest comment ever. And I don't know if I've ever commented here before, so here goes.

First of all, the women's movement really screwed it up for our generation, huh? I mean, why on earth would they want to leave home and work all day? I know I certainly would rather be at home with my children, baking pies and scrubbing floors. Seriously. Who says that women have to work? I don't see it that way at all.

I don't know how you don't just fall apart when you have to leave Eden every morning. I don't work anymore, since my daughter was born ten months ago, and I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am to have that opportunity and I feel so incredibly blessed to be able to stay home with her. But there is a small part of me that wants to work so that my husband doesn't feel so stressed out about the bills. He makes just enough to get us by with nothing extra, but I am fine with that if it means I can stay home.

But. I went to work yesterday, just to see how it would go. (I'm a teacher and I agreed to substitute just for one day.) As I left my house yesterday morning I had to hold back the tears, and my daughter wasn't going to daycare, she was going to stay with my mom. It didn't make it any easier for me to leave her though. I hated being away from her, but being there at school wasn't so bad. I think that I will continue to sub so that I can choose when and how often I want to work.

I guess what I am trying to say, without being all up in your business, is, is there any way that you can work part-time? Can your family afford to lose part of your income? Are there things you can cut back on to save money? Maybe cloth-diapering, going out to eat less often, etc. I personally haven't bought any new clothes for myself (except for maternity clothes) in almost 2 years, but that's ok since I don't really go anywhere much. I can do without, so that I can be with my girl. I just wish that there was an easy solution for you. I am so sad for you right now.....

annie said...

I am a teacher and had three months off with my first baby-born exactly one year before Eden. When I went back, it was heart breaking--as you well know. This year, some things have changed and I hate my job. Each day, I wish I were home with Emerson. I make more money than my husband, and teacher insurance is awesome, so that is what pushes me.
I feel for you. Last week, when you posted about your Maternity Leave ending, I was so easliy able to put myself back into your shoes.
Hang in there. I won't say is gets easier-I would be lying. But know that people are praying for you!

Tiffany said...

Can you afford to quit and stay at home? If so, go for it! Or look for a part-time job somewhere else. Work should be enjoyable, dammit - not agonizing.

Erin said...

Oh, D. I feel for you so much right now, and I know that if you didn't have to... you wouldn't be there. I know that, believe me. I know the feeling. I was telling Shane how zen I've felt being home, and how much I hate that it's going to end next week. It's not fair. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I'd give you enough of my winnings to quit and stay home.
I didn't know about JC. If it weren't out of your way in the morning, I'd have you call Luke's sitter and see if she could take Eden. I wish she could, just to give you a piece of mind that she's safe.

keli.h said...

my heart is breaking for you, CE. i have no words other than i'm sorry and i've been praying for you daily. and you're number 2 on my prayer list, so even if i get interrupted, you still make the cut. XO

keli.h said...

ps - you know what i REALLY wish? i wish i lived closer and could take care of eden. snuggle her all day long, spoil her to pieces and change her often just to give you a little peace.

Christie O. said...

i wish i could offer you words of wisdom, but i can't. i know when the time came for me to go back to work, i couldn't bring myself to do it and things are tough right now for us because of it. but your babies, i know, will always know how much you love and sacrificed for them to provide them with a home. they KNOW your love so very well. i know that won't ever make leaving them easier, but know that you are a strong, beautiful mother who is making sacrifices to take care of them and that's the strongest kind of love there is.

Elaine A. said...

I'm so sorry honey. I wish I could "fix" this for you. I'm sure it's so very hard to leave her every day.

But also, you shouldn't be miserable at work. I hope that you can find something you enjoy more. I assume you have to work otherwise I know you wouldn't.

In the meantime I'm praying for you to have peace and for Eden and her care givers...

Stacie's Madness said...

{hugs}

Jen L. said...

Oh, God love you! I know we don't know each other, but I'm worried about you. Your work environment sounds toxic. I'm lucky--I love my job. However, it still feels liek I"m throwing my heart in the trash can and dumping pencil sharpener shavings on it every morning when I drop my son off at daycare. I don't want to give advice because I have no idea what to say, but know that you'll be in my thoughts. I hope you can figure out a way to improve your situation. You deserve to be happy and so does your family.

Sara Joy said...

I keep meaning to email and tell you how glad I was that we were roomies. How it wouldn't have been the same any other way. How I am so thrilled to have gotten to know you and Eden. And now it just means that I can hear your voice saying these words and see your face crumple at the thought of leaving her and I am just so horribly sad for you.
I know you feel so trapped and stuck and just miserable about the whole thing and if there was anything I could do you know I would. I really love you guys, you know? And did you know your kid is the only one I've held since my kid?
Yeah, you guys are THAT special. So many hugs to you, so many.

Laura @ Cameron Crazy said...

I am sending up lots of prayers to you. I know it can't be easy leaving your babies. I was thinking the same as a few other commenters, can you maybe find a new job? Maybe if you were doing something new or just in a more relaxed environment it would be better. Either way, know that I am praying for you and your situation.

Momma Good said...

Since it is officially the day to "de-lurk", I thought I would finally comment.
My thoughts are with you as you return to work. I was in the same spot not too long ago with my daughter. It is most certainly one of the hardest things to rush through the mornings and evenings just to do it all again. Just try and enjoy the time you have and always let JC and E know how much their Momma loves them.
Thank you for the candid thoughts. You are a strong woman and Momma.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I'm so sorry. My heart is breaking. I wish there was some easy fix to this, for you to have it all. You've been heavy on my mind.

Steph

Crooked Eyebrow said...

from the bottom of my heart, thank you so very much.

i could stay home and scrape b but we need my amazing insurance, so looking for another job wouldn't work

i am just trying to stay positive and take it one day a a time

Erin said...

There are no words that I can say other than I am praying for you. I am so sorry.

Aimee said...

I'm praying for you to get the desires of your heart. My heart hurts for all of the moms who are so torn on working vs being a sahm.

ninibeans said...

Its so sad...insurance, stupid insurance! I know it's necessary, but its so not fair that a mom should have to choose.

I saw on Oprah that in Denmark insurance is free and they get 1 year paid maternity leave...anyone wanna move to Denmark with me?

ninibeans said...

Praying for you girl and sending hugs!

Sarah Viola said...

Oh, Donya. You've been on my mind since Tuesday. This fucking sucks. I'm sorry, I so wish there was something I could do to help, or make it easier.

the lewis 4 said...

Oh, D. My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry that you don't have any other options right now. I will be praying for you - a lot. Hugs.

shelli said...

you have too many restrictions, the tardy shit is for the birds for sure. i say change jobs and get an individual babysitter or just stay home. $$ are so nice but not worth the stress that you have. you are a great mommy! if you have to work outside the home maybe you can find another wound care gig, it seems that is something you are passionate about. wishing you all the best. ;)

Lost A Sock said...

I have been thinking of you since Eden started last week. I'm so, so sorry. I know there's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but please know that so many of us are pulling for you.

Kim said...

I am so sorry D. I wish you didn't have to do this. I can not even imagine the pain and the hell you are going through.
I love you.

Beana said...

I like my job, but it still sucks every day that I have to leave my kids :( And they are watched by family, but it still is so hard for me. At this point for me too--not working isn't an option. I feel your pain sister. Hang in there!

Bacardi Mama said...

Sending good thoughts and many prayers.

simplicity said...

I am sorry! I hope it gets easier!!

Mimi's Toes said...

I wish I could make it all better for you, I really do. It makes it even tougher on you going to a job that you hate so much. I am working now 4 days a week until we start picking up, if you ever need me, I could come over to sit and cuddle with Eden on my day off. I am serious! Let me know. Sending hugs and prayers to you for the heartache to ease. You ARE a great mom.

~Mendie~ said...

Oh CE....I feel so bad for you. If we have a baby then I will have to do the same thing as you and go back to work and it breaks my heart.

Hope each day gets a little easier.

imadramamama.wordpress.com said...

I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. I'm thinking of you!

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Hugs, I am so sorry you have to go through this.

Amy M. said...

i know just what you're saying. i decided to stay at home after hailey was born (4 yrs. ago) because i hated the company i worked for. then, when she was 2, i "tried" to go back to work. i was miserable. i hated it. i hated leaving her at the daycare. i ended up quitting because i couldn't deal with it. i'm agonizing now because i should put teagan in a daycare while i'm working but i just can't bear it.

i hope something good happens for you...whatever it may be. you deserve to enjoy your kids.

Sadie at heymamas said...

My heart completely breaks for you. I went through the same thing when I went back to work and my child was even home with my husband.

I cried every day on the subway and would look down so no one noticed. My glasses would fog up and my mascara would run down my face. I was a mess.

In time it will get easier and you will make every second count and you will be a better Mother for it. I can't say it will be easy if you work in a horrible place but that you could try to change I suppose.

Good luck and just know that you are not alone.

Sadie at heymamas

Abra said...

I wish I could magically change your situation. Just know that you are an amazing mother and BOTH of your children know that, loud and clear.

Prayers to you.

amanda said...

how have i been away from you for so long?? and this post? seriously breaks my heart friend. which i know is not what you need me to say...so instead i will say that you are a bad ass and it WILL get better. ok that's a lie - i don't know that. cry all you want friend bc that's totally what i would do!!

big hugs. big, big hugs.

ZDub said...

Oh my, the part about JC wrecks me.

I hope it gets easier, I do.

Love to you.