What can I say? I am back at work and hating every moment of it. My first day back was rough to say the least and still at three days into this new transition, it takes every ounce of me not to walk out.
On Tuesday we did our newly practiced routine of waking up and being dropped off early. JC did well and Eden, well she pouts at me when I leave her. It kills me. As I shut the door to the nursery, I cry every time. I slowly make my way to my car and I lose it. While driving I give my self a pep talk reminding me I have to work for my family and it is for the best. But honestly, I can't believe my own line of bull shit I'm telling myself. Everyday I have walked into work full of tears.
My first day back I sat there and cried while my boss updated me on some changes. My tears slowly dried up but the pain in my heart grew worse. While I was gone on maternity leave, decisions were made to change where I worked in my clinic, which included dissolving my wound clinic. My pride and joy of work...gone.
My reasons for staying at my job are now gone and now I am stuck working while my babies sit in someone else's care all day. I hate it. No words are going to convince me other wise, I hate it. JC spends 11 hours in the care of others, while Eden spends about 9. I can't say it enough... It is killing me to have them gone for so long. All my time spent with them is so very rushed and not how I imagined my children's' lives. I can't even begin to think about having other people see my daughter roll or crawl for the first time either, it makes me ill.
Everyday I leave them and I rush to pick them up. Of course I am used to leaving JC, but I am having huge separation issues with the baby. When I pick her up she is usually in a different outfit because of an accident and she no longer smells like my baby. Don't even get me started on the fact that she has her first diaper rash. This infuriates me and makes my heart hurt that she isn't getting cared for as well as she does with me. It makes me sick.
My stomach turns at night about how I have to be the mother that does nothing in the morning but rush to leave them. You see I work in a very militant environment and one minute late is a tardy. There is no give and take or flexibility to be had. If you are late enough times, you get written up. Then you are pretty much labeled as a problem and they have no issues in making your time there miserable.
In a nutshell, I work in hell. It makes me a nervous, anxiety filled person and it was SO.NICE. to get rid of that feeling while I was off. I felt normal and at ease for the first time in 6 years. I know people are thinking "grow up and work", but it goes way deeper than that.
JC was verbally and emotionally abused while at a very, highly recommended daycare and he still, at 9, can remember it. Daycare with him was a struggle and it leaves an awful taste in my mouth, knowing it could happen to my other baby. So going back to work, simply isn't easy for me. I thought when I was pregnant it would be, but it is not.
Now, I must go pump. That sucks too.