That is all I can think of to write at this point, even though there are so many other thoughts bouncing around in my head.
I'm overloaded. Mentally and physically. Overloaded with working, baby stuff, 9 year old boys, family, dirty floors, and mounds of laundry. To think that I've even had help this past month with my MIL at my house and I still feel this way is sad. Because even with help, I feel like I can't keep up. I miss my maternity leave. BAD.
Hobbies? Photography was always a release for me. I love it. I'm not great at it, nor do I pretend to be. To me, time behind that camera and seeing what I captured was forced "me time" My first hobby ever, so to speak. Now as it stands I have about 600 photos to go through and my laptop's hard drive is full. Leaving me unable to put anything else on there. Empty it you say? No time...yet. Our new baby is coming tonight...Mr. CE got us an i mac. Here is to hoping that photo editing becomes easier (I've never used a mac).
My house? Trashed. Floors, laundry, toys. Everything is out of control. (life feels out of control)There are so many things or projects I would like to do in our *tiny* little house, but I have no time. Right now I'm embarrassed enough not to even let a housekeeping service in. Shit, I've been embarrassed of our *tiny* little house for years. It took everything I had in me (and labor) to even let my friends come over.
Working out? It has been a struggle finding time, yes even 20 minutes, to work out. I miss being able to work out with a trainer and spending an hour a day working out. I felt amazing when I was doing that. Now squeezing in time for a video workout is almost impossible.
Blogging? Ha. I suck at it lately. At some point this past week I wanted to just delete it all. Blogging bounces back and forth for me. Some days I do it because I want to keep track of where my life and thoughts have gone and other times I question why I do it. Since returning back to work full time, it hasn't been a whole lot of fun(work and blogging). I feel like I have to censor myself in fear of hurting people's feelings that I know read. (sorry but it's true) There are days where I wish I could type out on this keyboard exactly how I truly feel... but I can't.
Mentally I can picture myself in a big room, dragging a chair into the middle of it, standing on it and screaming profanities as loud as I can, then asking for some Tylenol. That's the kind of release blogging used to be. Not anymore...maybe again, one day.
Issues? I got a few of them. Enough to be in therapy till I die ( if I actually went). In all honesty, who doesn't, right? I have horrible self -esteem (amongst other issues). I have for years. I have a disrupted sense of self perception. No matter how hard I try, workout, etc., I will most likely always see myself as ugly, fat and not good enough. For years I have battled with trying to change this. Some days I do better than others. Right now? I am trying to be better at seeing myself in a different light. (preferably dim lighting)
There are things in my past that have occurred that have come rushing back lately(lots). I don't talk about them much and most likely will never be able to here on my blog. I wish I could.
Just typing that out made me feel like a little girl standing on a chair in the middle of a big room, but only scared now.
Exhaustion? I'm there. 5 months of no sleep, 2+ months of working full time and I'm starting to get tired. Now I worry about just how good of a mom and wife I have been lately. I miss my husband. I miss having time to feel like I am actually contributing something to my family.
Guilt? Loads of it. I just ate a donut and I feel so guilty that I fudged my weigh in for next week. I feel guilty for JC having so many problems as of lately. I feel guilt that I had to put Eden in daycare only to be sick this entire time. (IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME IT'S GOOD FOR IMMUNITY NOW I WILL KICK THEM IN THE SHINS). My job performance has been half ass-ed as of lately and I semi even feel guilty for that.
another form of guilt? Religion. I have none. Sure I pray and I know what I believe but I don't attend a church, nor have I wanted to in all my years up until now. I'm not sure what has changed. Finding a church or religion is hard for that matter. I don't want an overly involved church family, a cult like following church(don't laugh, you know they are out there), a rude, snobby, give us your money(yes, they are out there too) church , or a judgemental, overly aggressive church. I just want to be there, learn and teach my children something. That's weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately too. See, more on my to-do list...finding CE's Religion. Ha.
So yeah, to say that I am on overload and my shoulders are heavy is accurate, but I know it could be worse. This too, shall pass. Spring is upon us and I have some hope things will even out.
This post is completely random and not well thought out, please forgive me as you sit there reading shaking your head. I needed to type it out before my head exploded. Thank you, pass the coffee and carry on with your fabulous Friday.