Friday, March 19, 2010

Overload

Wow.
That is all I can think of to write at this point, even though there are so many other thoughts bouncing around in my head.

I'm overloaded. Mentally and physically. Overloaded with working, baby stuff, 9 year old boys, family, dirty floors, and mounds of laundry. To think that I've even had help this past month with my MIL at my house and I still feel this way is sad. Because even with help, I feel like I can't keep up. I miss my maternity leave. BAD.

Hobbies? Photography was always a release for me. I love it. I'm not great at it, nor do I pretend to be. To me, time behind that camera and seeing what I captured was forced "me time" My first hobby ever, so to speak. Now as it stands I have about 600 photos to go through and my laptop's hard drive is full. Leaving me unable to put anything else on there. Empty it you say? No time...yet. Our new baby is coming tonight...Mr. CE got us an i mac. Here is to hoping that photo editing becomes easier (I've never used a mac).

My house? Trashed. Floors, laundry, toys. Everything is out of control. (life feels out of control)There are so many things or projects I would like to do in our *tiny* little house, but I have no time. Right now I'm embarrassed enough not to even let a housekeeping service in. Shit, I've been embarrassed of our *tiny* little house for years. It took everything I had in me (and labor) to even let my friends come over.

Working out? It has been a struggle finding time, yes even 20 minutes, to work out. I miss being able to work out with a trainer and spending an hour a day working out. I felt amazing when I was doing that. Now squeezing in time for a video workout is almost impossible.

Blogging? Ha. I suck at it lately. At some point this past week I wanted to just delete it all. Blogging bounces back and forth for me. Some days I do it because I want to keep track of where my life and thoughts have gone and other times I question why I do it. Since returning back to work full time, it hasn't been a whole lot of fun(work and blogging). I feel like I have to censor myself in fear of hurting people's feelings that I know read. (sorry but it's true) There are days where I wish I could type out on this keyboard exactly how I truly feel... but I can't.

Mentally I can picture myself in a big room, dragging a chair into the middle of it, standing on it and screaming profanities as loud as I can, then asking for some Tylenol. That's the kind of release blogging used to be. Not anymore...maybe again, one day.

Issues? I got a few of them. Enough to be in therapy till I die ( if I actually went). In all honesty, who doesn't, right? I have horrible self -esteem (amongst other issues). I have for years. I have a disrupted sense of self perception. No matter how hard I try, workout, etc., I will most likely always see myself as ugly, fat and not good enough. For years I have battled with trying to change this. Some days I do better than others. Right now? I am trying to be better at seeing myself in a different light. (preferably dim lighting)

There are things in my past that have occurred that have come rushing back lately(lots). I don't talk about them much and most likely will never be able to here on my blog. I wish I could.

Just typing that out made me feel like a little girl standing on a chair in the middle of a big room, but only scared now.

Exhaustion? I'm there. 5 months of no sleep, 2+ months of working full time and I'm starting to get tired. Now I worry about just how good of a mom and wife I have been lately. I miss my husband. I miss having time to feel like I am actually contributing something to my family.

Guilt? Loads of it. I just ate a donut and I feel so guilty that I fudged my weigh in for next week. I feel guilty for JC having so many problems as of lately. I feel guilt that I had to put Eden in daycare only to be sick this entire time. (IF ONE MORE PERSON TELLS ME IT'S GOOD FOR IMMUNITY NOW I WILL KICK THEM IN THE SHINS). My job performance has been half ass-ed as of lately and I semi even feel guilty for that.

another form of guilt? Religion. I have none. Sure I pray and I know what I believe but I don't attend a church, nor have I wanted to in all my years up until now. I'm not sure what has changed. Finding a church or religion is hard for that matter. I don't want an overly involved church family, a cult like following church(don't laugh, you know they are out there), a rude, snobby, give us your money(yes, they are out there too) church , or a judgemental, overly aggressive church. I just want to be there, learn and teach my children something. That's weighing heavy on my heart and mind lately too. See, more on my to-do list...finding CE's Religion. Ha.


So yeah, to say that I am on overload and my shoulders are heavy is accurate, but I know it could be worse. This too, shall pass. Spring is upon us and I have some hope things will even out.

This post is completely random and not well thought out, please forgive me as you sit there reading shaking your head. I needed to type it out before my head exploded. Thank you, pass the coffee and carry on with your fabulous Friday.

20 comments:

Erin said...

CE - praying for you during this difficult season in your life. I am sorry that things are so rough, but you're right, finding a church and getting connected to God will so help all of these other issues. Don't look for a religion, look for a Bible teaching, Bible believing church! :) I am excited for you, and pray that God will show you and your family exactly where He wants you to be. He is powerful and cool like that!

LutherLiz said...

Ugh, I can relate to so much of this, but honestly take one thing at a time. You can't possibly worry about all at once.

I have very little to offer as far as help with most of them as I'm right there with you on the busy, trashed house, low self esteem, guilt, workout-less panic fest.

However, it might be worth giving up the church stress. Yes, churches can be great for faith growth and wonderful supportive communities and it is great that you are thinking about it. But first, you can be living a faithful life (and teaching your kids the same) without a church. We are big believers that Home is church too in the Children's Ministry program I lead. Life is crazy so cut yourself some slack and mirror the things you already do with your kids.

Second, when you are ready list some of the things that are important to you in a church (demonimation, social justice, women pastor?, gay rights?, socially conservative, whatever) and then begin the search for what works. Then visit and see how the community feels. When you knwo what you want it is easier to see it in the churches you visit!

Wow, I wrote a lot, I hope it helps. In the meantime I'm going back to my stress and piles and guilt! Happy Friday!

Stacie's Madness said...

though you may think that post was random and not well thought out...
I HEAR YOU and RIGHT THERE WITH YOU.
amen.

chrissy said...

One thing, one day at a time (I think I said that to me too just now)! You are in such a difficult time right now, give yourself a break woman!! Prayers, hugs and thoughts for you-all positive!

~Mendie~ said...

Hugs D. I can't even imagine juggling as much as you do, I am exhausted just reading about it.

I haven't been the best blogger lately either, but I know that its there when I need it to be. And so will your readers.

Enjoy your new iMac...I'm just getting around to getting an iPhone hopefully this month, so I'm oblivious about the Mac world too

Ryley @ That's My Family! said...

Love you, miss you and think about you SO MUCH!!!

Bacardi Mama said...

Just reading the post makes me tired. No wonder you are exhausted. You'll work it all out. Everyone goes through it at some point and this is your time. And excuse me, but fat, ugly and not good enough? You are one of the most awesome people I have the pleasure to know. Everything will work itself out and you'll feel so much better when we get some decent weather that stays around for longer than a day or two. Lastly, finding a connection with God makes a huge difference. I hope you find that. You are in my prayers CE.

Beana said...

I'm an almost full-time working mom of 3, ages 6 and under. I can relate to almost everything you shared today. I wasn't shaking my head by the end, I was nodding. My whole goal in life these days is to keep my head above water, my kids clean, clothed and fed and beyond that anything else is a bonus. For me, my faith is crucial to not drowning. I often wish there were more "working mom blogs." Thanks for being real.

Mrs. Cline said...

Honey, I am 2 minutes away. I promise I won't come in your house, but if I can come take little Eden for a walk so that you get 30 minutes to just RELAX/blog/edit/workout/drink wine, please say the word. I need the practice anyhow, ya know? ;)

imadramamama said...

I'm sorry everything is so blech right now, especially when you feel like you have to censor yourself. I know it's little comfort now, but things will get better soon. Just hold on.

Bobbi Janay @When did I go from a kid to a grown up? said...

Honey, I am also so lost on my walk with God. I need to find a church home also. I am a SAHM, but it doesn't mean that my home is clean. I hope that you get to feeling better soon.

Margie said...

I hope it is comforting to know that so many of us feel the same way that you do, Crooked. I'm 51 and it makes me feel sick to look at myself in the mirror and I am busting my butt trying to change it, my body self image is WAY out of whack. We can never live up to what we are bombarded with in print and on tv. they are not real, but still, we try. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place. If Momma isn't feeling well, the whole house can take on your energy. The dust will still be there tomorrow. P.S. I taught my kids at 10 to do all of their own laundry after I had back surgery and they have been doing it alone ever since then, hubby too!

Erin said...

Praying for you.....I have felt similarly lately. Just know that you are NOT the only one who feels this way. Hang in there!

Adventures In Babywearing said...

Donya, I meant to talk to you about this post personally last night, but then it just wasn't the right moment.

I know we all have our own dark times and demons, but I think there might be something especially in the air recently, as I've had the hardest time with my self, my self worth, my confidence, my appearance, everything, pretty much. It's shaken me and made me question everything. Even my beloved friends.

I know we'll get through this, things always fall into place, but I'll be thinking of you muchly, you are amazing.

Steph

RobynKay said...

hey..only one silly recommendation.. Start a new blog..I know it seems like more work.. but, don't let anyone know what it is and type what ever the hell you want!! I've done that a couple of times in letters to people I have alot to say to and never sent them the letters.. It's quite cathartic (right word?)

Oh and Dennis and I got a maid service this week.. we'll see if it helps.

Elaine A. said...

It's hard to juggle everything. I know you're doing the best you can in this season of your life. And you're beautiful inside and out. Hug that baby girl, your boy and your husband and know that these days will soon be over... too fast. XOXO

Mimi's Toes said...

Donya, Please know that I adore you from the first blog I read of yours. You are beautiful inside and out!!!! I want to reach thru and just give you a big hug. What you are going thru will pass, just like others have said. I am always struggling with poor self-image problems due to my weight problem. I have failed again with the shredding. I have failed again with the dieting. But, tomorrow is another day and we can only pick ourselves up and start again. If it weren't for YOU, I would have never seen one of my idol singers, Neil Diamond...and I love you for that, but more than that, I love you because you are Crooked frigin' Eyebrow!

love said...

i'm so glad that you wrote this out. i know what you mean about just needing to type it!
you have to be so exhausted. i wish i could help or had some great advice. i think that is probably what you don't need, though. listening to you, though? i'm ALWAYS up for that! hope this season settles down for you soon.

Jennifer said...

Do you have room in your season for one more?

We can talk about our tiny houses together, the never ending bill stack, the self image issues, amongst other things.

I seriously felt like for the past 3 days I've been having panic attacks. When I took a second to breathe.... I felt better.

I always felt like the "odd one out" in many ways....

I'm trying hard not to try so hard.... and hope you do too.

Going to church every Sunday has truly helped me in so many ways...

Praying that you can just breathe....

and trust in the one who loves you and is seeking you......

Amy M. said...

I'm there with you. Right there. So much right there that I had a breakdown in the middle of the freaking night the other night. Sickness is going around and it just makes everything so dark and dreary.

I'm glad I came by tonight because reading your post and the comments from other people just assured me that I'm not alone...because I feel alone so often.

Let's hang in there and get through this.

...Thinking of you...